Musing...

Hola blog!
Today I sit on the lawn opposite my apartment block in Auckland City, a bedraggled lavalava beneath my bum, sun on my chest and arms and my legs tickled by the still wet grass from this morning’s shower. It is Easter Sunday and – even though it smells of poo out here – it’s a good day to be alive.

Yesterday I was blessed to be at the union of Gabrielle and Simon Vincent. A lovely heart felt wedding in a church, with moving vows, some laughs and a real sense of occasion. I wept tears of joy as I watched them commit to their relationship in front of all of us. Little Stella McLaughlin who was sitting on my lap said “Aunty Kate, why are you crying?” I said ‘I’m so happy” She just said “OK’’ as if it were perfectly acceptable. 

The reception we were plied with drink and food. Amazing Turkish food, great wine, great speeches and BOY DID I DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am gonna take full ownership over the fact I got people up and on the D-Floor. I think people are often a bit miffed when they see me going for it in such a crazy, loose way.

I had one love prospect, and he turned out to be a massive let down as he fell asleep on the bus. So that was good. Notttt.

On the upside I caught the bouquet. WOOO! I did a victory dance and there was a chorus of “Mc-Gill, Mc-Gill, Mc-Gill!” So suck on that boy. Gonna-be-engaged-within-the-year. Bam.

Dad and I had a lovely day at Barbara’s having a little lunch the day before followed by seeing ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ – which in actual fact, I’d already seen, but it’s really good and a good lesson in film acting. It reminded me, whilst watching Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence in scenes together, of Miranda’s course. And of how you need to make a way to make it real. If you don’t buy it, we don’t buy it. Their relationship was plausible because they had worked to make it so. I don’t actually believe things come that easily. Sometimes there’s luck and sometimes there’s work that you can’t see.

My problem is I often don’t trust myself. I give up. Confidence is key. Decisions are key. My talent is key. I just need to turn the lock (OK stupid metaphor but you get it.)

I’m now getting bitten by a zillionty things so I’m gonna move and continue later ... xx

writing, making.

Hallo little blog.
Shitty little mood I'm in, due to lack of sleep and a desire to be naughty.
I've been invited to a BBQ tonight at a family members house. Unfortunately that Fam Mem is treating another more important Fam Mem with absolute contempt. I don't think I can trust myself not to have a go at said first Fam Mem so I'm opting out of going. However, the problem lies in leaving my person unsupported. Am I being selfish? I do want to go to the festival tent, and I do want to have some alone time tonight. I need to blob and not talk. Yes, selfish it is. But by the same token, I wont be there to cause trouble. So, I'm justifying it. That's what's happening here.

I've decided I'm gonna start posting bits of writing on the blog which makes me nervous, cause it's on the internet. But then again, I'm be-moaning a lot of things on here, what will really be picked up?
I guess I copyright everything on here, ya.

Am thinking a lot about my show, who else I can get involved. And also, using this blog to become clearer on what I actually want to do.

VOCATION (working title) is at this moment a piece of verbatim theatre about choices. How we make decisions on jobs, career and why.
I'm interested in it because I think dreams and regrets sometimes go hand in hand. I also love people. I'm curious in their logic.
What is my logic to be an actor? It's difficult because I know I'm not always amazing, but I believe in myself enough to keep going. I know it's a hard life. My Mum does it. She's had her ups and downs. Do I want to be like my mother? No, I don't think so. I very much respect her, think her work is quality. But I also recognise we are very different, and I suspect she wanted a different version of things than I do at the same age.
So, back to the show. How do I ask questions that are open ended? That excite people, make them trust and want to talk to me.
How do I facilitate a discussion that enables people to share their intimate stories?
It's difficult. But I'm excited about doing it.

My instinct is to get people in their own environment, have a series of opening questions that allow them to be relaxed, and then a series of topics to cover.
But largely have a conversational style because I do not want to orchestrate the play, I want to let the people inform what happens with the structure. THAT IS SCARY. But, it makes it interesting and it will really test me in the editing process. I guess the more I do it, the clearer I'll get about my process.

Stay tuned.

Here's Anna Deavere Smith who is an inspiration to me.

Festival Schmestival

I've had a week and a half.
Today, I'm sitting after working my butt off all morning while nursing a severe hangover (note to self: do not drink then work.) and musing the few festival shows I've seen.
The Breath of the Volcano was an amazing spectacle. It could've used a firm hand with dramaturgy but it was easily the most outstanding fireworks arrangement I've seen.
Next on the list was HUI - which had Stephen Butterworth doing a terrific performance, but all the others too (bad English - hangover...) so naturalistic, high drama. I LOVED it. Rachel House is onto it, big time.
Followed by (thank you Jackson Coe) free tix to Cantina. INCREDIBLE. I really enjoy seeing physical theatre, and these peeps are masters of their bodies... makes me ponder my own laziness. I love working physically - it's not that hard - I can make it happen. Just don't say it - Do it.
On Thursday Dad and I went to see a disappointing ONE MAN TWO GUV'NORS - I appreciate styles, and precision. But it was SO old fashioned! The staging especially - I think they coulda done with a new director, one who specialises in new formations, etc. Easier to be said than done - directing - but it was pretty stale. I didn't laugh until about a quarter of the way through - and maybe my expectations were too high - but it goes to show that one actor can turn it around - can rise above the muck. The lead actor was absolutely terrific. Owain Arthur. Just a playful silly and brilliant slapstick artist. THANK GOODNESS FOR HIM.
Last night, I got on the razzle with Sheree from work and flirted with too many boys. But it's such hard work with so many repercussions if one takes it further. I don't like one night stands. Doesn't often lead to happiness. But good to know I still got it. Eww, can't believe I wrote that. I'm 26. Not 56. 
What is wrong with me? 
...
.....
Hangover. 

Anyway, what I've come to, is things have to excite, shock, titilate, and move. And all those things cannot come without testing. Without a bit of hard work.

Right. Back to the ball and chain. x

What an interesting weekend.
I am in a job where I can't sneak off to work on things - but the money is good so perhaps I need to bite the bullet and suck it up until I make my way to the gorgeous America's again. I do love it there so. I was musing the other day how absolutely gutted I was when Jess won the green card lottery - not angry at her, or jealous as such - just baffled that it wasn't me, when I wanted it so badly... and fortuitously had lost my number so I didn't know anyway. But, what I was actually thinking about was how if I had won then, I may've got there and not wanted to stay. Reasoning with myself, that dreams can come true, but there is a time for everything.
I will go. I will make some wonderful things happen. In the meantime, I have a responsibility to myself (and to the debt collectors - ha!) to get rid of my credit card, some more of my student loan, to lose some weight, to make a show, a film, make things happen. It has dawned on me that people are often impressed by me when I make something happen - my own things obviously are more interesting to me, rather than producing some labored bloody thing. So, I will stick it out for a bit in a bit of a boring job where I don't get a proper break, and will try not to let the negative vibes affect me too much.
On Friday, I finished work and went to Tony's to work - probably the worst shift I've had in a while - shitty section and nothing really going right - but WHAT a job for people watching. An American family - Dad, Mom & Kid come in, super polite and smiley. All quite geeky. Kid is clearly adopted but so loved - you only had to glance at the parents to know how much they adore him. But they are all huge, unfortunately adding to the stereotype, and order some decent sized meals (fracken huge) which take ages to come out, so I shouted them some sodas as I got the sense they were a little hard up. But the thing was, Mom & kid went back to their motel because by the time the food showed up it was pretty late for the little guy, and so Dad stayed and finished all the meals, and he had this look on his face... 'Kid-in-a-candy-store' that's the best explanation I could come up with, slowly tasting every little morsel, savoring the flavour and his time alone with this mess of seafood, lamb and chicken. His little eyes were getting thinner and thinner and he was smiling away like Santa, and I was transfixed by his gluttonous ecstasy. I've been there, I understand it. And weirdly, that short-lived happiness can only come from being deeply unhappy.
We had giant frozen margaritas after work and I went home, slightly drunk and unusually perturbed by the evenings unfolding.

Saturday Soph and I got our Nails Did with a charming lil lady named Tanya, we hung out in her house with a giant lizard and played the uke, and had a smashing time - I love my cute nails. #SuperficialJoy (Love me a hashtag)

We then went to a 30th in Grey Lynn which was nice except for two things. 1, I am trying to repair some relationships that went wrong during the a piece I worked on last year and 2, to be perfectly honest - I don't think I really fit in with those guys en masse. It's no ones fault really but I'm not interested in cool-ing myself up for anyone these days - like me or lump me.  I'll make an effort to a certain extent but I do get sick of being the eternal giver. There were people there who I have met several times, but just have no interest in me. That's OK. But it can be awkward. It's exhausting, and I am beginning to realise I need to save a little mystique for myself. In saying all this, I do love a lot of the people there. And actually, that is what I got a bit stressed out trying to 'repair' these relationships (no names here sorry guys) And I know I seriously fucked up some things, I own that, but it wasn't completely one sided, and it hurts me to know there are some people/persons out there who can't forgive and are blindsided by my actions, and can't think of their own - which were (in same cases) equally or more despicable. Anyway, I am writing this here, because I think it is important in the future when I feel negative thoughts towards someone, that they like me are a human being. We all make mistakes, hopefully we gain something from these mistakes and can grow to being the best versions of ourselves.
Maybe I wont ever repair the damage. But at least I can say I tried. That makes me feel like I'm getting towards the 'best' version of me, as vulnerable and as hard as it is sometimes.

So, Soph and I took off to Gabe's hens night - which was a lot of drunk women very very quickly. I was looking forward to a seriously good dance. But hey - it was all good.
The wedding will be fabulous - and they are all great gals.
Then off to another 30th and home by 130.

Today, the hangover kicked in, but as per the norm - I got a cleaning urge. Afterwhich, Dad and I ambled over to the Academy Cinemas and saw a stunning film called 'Amour.' Beautifully paced, slow (but not painful!) about a couple in their 80s who begin to have their relationship tested when the woman has a stroke and can no longer look after herself. They are so quietly in love with each other, that words aren't spoken, but actions are done. It was a masterclass in acting, Emmanuelle Riva and Jean-Louis Trintignant were completely aware and comfortable in their environment, living each moment to it's full potential, not rushing but really giving time to tell the story - trusting that the editors would pick how to let the 'drama' unfold. I wept from beginning to finish, sometimes at the pain that Anne and Georges were going through, and sometimes at the love that ensued over years, and also at the fact that my uncle is in a similar position and I do feel it would be kinder to just let him pass away. As controversial as it is. It's probably what the poor man wants. No one will do it, I wouldn't. But I can see why people would. Jeez, it makes me shudder.
Sometimes, we are faced with questions through art. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I have heaviness in my heart. Because, so little is left up to us in the end. But also, because there are many beautiful things in this world.

 

It has been over a year since my last post and so much has happened.
I've decided to makeover my life a little and this blog is part of that, chronicling successes, failures, hopes and dreams (yak)
So it's more McGill-does-Life or Stages-of-Kate. Hopefully developing my voice as much as whinging,  and analysing in a diary like manner....

This is a short post because my workmates think I'm working on data entry.

I am... just my own data.