I am in a job where I can't sneak off to work on things - but the money is good so perhaps I need to bite the bullet and suck it up until I make my way to the gorgeous America's again. I do love it there so. I was musing the other day how absolutely gutted I was when Jess won the green card lottery - not angry at her, or jealous as such - just baffled that it wasn't me, when I wanted it so badly... and fortuitously had lost my number so I didn't know anyway. But, what I was actually thinking about was how if I had won then, I may've got there and not wanted to stay. Reasoning with myself, that dreams can come true, but there is a time for everything.
I will go. I will make some wonderful things happen. In the meantime, I have a responsibility to myself (and to the debt collectors - ha!) to get rid of my credit card, some more of my student loan, to lose some weight, to make a show, a film, make things happen. It has dawned on me that people are often impressed by me when I make something happen - my own things obviously are more interesting to me, rather than producing some labored bloody thing. So, I will stick it out for a bit in a bit of a boring job where I don't get a proper break, and will try not to let the negative vibes affect me too much.
On Friday, I finished work and went to Tony's to work - probably the worst shift I've had in a while - shitty section and nothing really going right - but WHAT a job for people watching. An American family - Dad, Mom & Kid come in, super polite and smiley. All quite geeky. Kid is clearly adopted but so loved - you only had to glance at the parents to know how much they adore him. But they are all huge, unfortunately adding to the stereotype, and order some decent sized meals (fracken huge) which take ages to come out, so I shouted them some sodas as I got the sense they were a little hard up. But the thing was, Mom & kid went back to their motel because by the time the food showed up it was pretty late for the little guy, and so Dad stayed and finished all the meals, and he had this look on his face... 'Kid-in-a-candy-store' that's the best explanation I could come up with, slowly tasting every little morsel, savoring the flavour and his time alone with this mess of seafood, lamb and chicken. His little eyes were getting thinner and thinner and he was smiling away like Santa, and I was transfixed by his gluttonous ecstasy. I've been there, I understand it. And weirdly, that short-lived happiness can only come from being deeply unhappy.
We had giant frozen margaritas after work and I went home, slightly drunk and unusually perturbed by the evenings unfolding.
We then went to a 30th in Grey Lynn which was nice except for two things. 1, I am trying to repair some relationships that went wrong during the a piece I worked on last year and 2, to be perfectly honest - I don't think I really fit in with those guys en masse. It's no ones fault really but I'm not interested in cool-ing myself up for anyone these days - like me or lump me. I'll make an effort to a certain extent but I do get sick of being the eternal giver. There were people there who I have met several times, but just have no interest in me. That's OK. But it can be awkward. It's exhausting, and I am beginning to realise I need to save a little mystique for myself. In saying all this, I do love a lot of the people there. And actually, that is what I got a bit stressed out trying to 'repair' these relationships (no names here sorry guys) And I know I seriously fucked up some things, I own that, but it wasn't completely one sided, and it hurts me to know there are some people/persons out there who can't forgive and are blindsided by my actions, and can't think of their own - which were (in same cases) equally or more despicable. Anyway, I am writing this here, because I think it is important in the future when I feel negative thoughts towards someone, that they like me are a human being. We all make mistakes, hopefully we gain something from these mistakes and can grow to being the best versions of ourselves.
Maybe I wont ever repair the damage. But at least I can say I tried. That makes me feel like I'm getting towards the 'best' version of me, as vulnerable and as hard as it is sometimes.
So, Soph and I took off to Gabe's hens night - which was a lot of drunk women very very quickly. I was looking forward to a seriously good dance. But hey - it was all good.
The wedding will be fabulous - and they are all great gals.
Then off to another 30th and home by 130.
Today, the hangover kicked in, but as per the norm - I got a cleaning urge. Afterwhich, Dad and I ambled over to the Academy Cinemas and saw a stunning film called 'Amour.' Beautifully paced, slow (but not painful!) about a couple in their 80s who begin to have their relationship tested when the woman has a stroke and can no longer look after herself. They are so quietly in love with each other, that words aren't spoken, but actions are done. It was a masterclass in acting, Emmanuelle Riva and Jean-Louis Trintignant were completely aware and comfortable in their environment, living each moment to it's full potential, not rushing but really giving time to tell the story - trusting that the editors would pick how to let the 'drama' unfold. I wept from beginning to finish, sometimes at the pain that Anne and Georges were going through, and sometimes at the love that ensued over years, and also at the fact that my uncle is in a similar position and I do feel it would be kinder to just let him pass away. As controversial as it is. It's probably what the poor man wants. No one will do it, I wouldn't. But I can see why people would. Jeez, it makes me shudder.
Sometimes, we are faced with questions through art. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I have heaviness in my heart. Because, so little is left up to us in the end. But also, because there are many beautiful things in this world.
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