Flirty McMurty

A cold, raining, thunderous day in Steamboat Springs. Yesterday, we got up late, did some homework. I am having a marvellous time writing short, absurd scenes involving my characters in the devised piece. - We are being quite vulgar to start with, will pull back, but here's a snippet about the upper class English family who have just arrived off the boat from New Zealand. I am playing Winifred, my daughter Hortensia has been slapped with an ugly stick and can't get a husband.

Hustle bustle as we see Richard arrive, tired but inspired. We hear Winifred and Hortensia before we see them, overlapping one another….

WINIFRED Mud! Common mud

HORSEY Mummy, my dress is ruined

WINIFRED I tell you, I don’t want to get on another ship as long as I live

HORSEY The French lace is damaged, damaged!

WINIFRED I say, Richard! Riiiiichard! Mr Prrrritchard! Are you quite sure that we are in the right place.

HORSEY Can we go back now? I have a crush on Edward Simmonds-Knewsbrush

WINIFRED Because I dare say, we are not in civilisation!

HORSEY Do you remember Edward Mummy? He was very attractive and

WINIFRED Hortensia Prudence Prrritchard. Stop talking about attractive people at once. You’ll be lucky to marry a sailor at this rate. I told you to settle for Lord Farquar’s son, the paraplegic.

HORSEY (bursting into tears) I am an adult – why did I have to come on this stupid long suffering journey? I feel like damask cloth twisted until it’s beauty is forsworn

WINIFRED Well, quite darling

HORSEY I hate this place. Look at all the stupid….

WINIFRED Natura?

HORSEY Bahhhhhhh!

RICHARD There you are my beautiful women. Woman. Um. Welcome to New Zealand!!!

WINIFRED New Zealand?

RICHARD Yes, darling.

WINIFRED You’ve brought us to… the colonies?

Horsey faints. They ignore her.

RICHARD Now, now Winnie. This is the perfect place for you to distress so we can produce a child or three.

WINIFRED You think this… place will create fertility? How dare you Richard. Really. How dare you. I wish this was

RICHARD - Darling -

WINIFRED - discussed. You have let our family down

RICHARD Do you not at least want to give it a go. There’s a nice hotel over there, we could ‘lie down’ for fifteen minutes or so

WINIFRED How perfectly unromantic (she flounces off, leaving horsey on the ground who wakes up)

HORSEY Where’s Mummy gone Daddy?

RICHARD Having a right conniption ,Hortensia.

HORSEY Daddy, why did you bring us here?

RICHARD Look, about the Daddy thing. I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable with it. You’re not my biological child. Which is plain to see. How about Uncle Rich?

HORSEY What??

RICHARD Ok, darling, Uncle Richy has to go and see about some housing for your mother and I. Have a look around. Look, Horsey, they’re hiring at the general store!!

THE END OF SCENE

I trailed off into town in the afternoon in my floral raincoat, feeling rather chic. Luckily, the fabulous Katie drove past just as it was starting to shatter rain pellets, so I got a ride to the tiny little boutique cinema where I met Emma and we shared some nachos (eww, movie nachos consist of warm corn chips and hot squeezed, purified cheese with - apparently - jalapenos in it) and saw a Rom-Com called KILLERS, it made no sense but we had a great time looking at Ashton Kutcher being a babe.

On the bus on the way home, a freakishly attractive man who was drunk with his sort of attractive friend got on the bus. They said 'Hi' We said 'Hi' then were distracted by their hotness for about 5 minutes, then, in mid conversation with Em, I felt a jab in my side and 'Boom' comes out of his lips (hot guy) Hot guy had just poked me in the stomach. 'What the f**k?!' I said! Emma starts cracking up. I am too stunned to speak. He says 'I'm sorry, it's just you're so hot.' 'What?!' I say, confused. 'It was only one finger!' says he. 'What did you think you poked?!' Says I. His friend pipes up and says to hot guy 'Not cool dude. Not cool. You can't just grope people on the bus' Then Emma, who's hysterical says 'It's not very charming' He can't understand and says 'Chubby?' And that was the time I got macked onto on the free Steamboat bus.

Back at the ranch, we got gussed up, hysterical from laughing so hard and everyone came to our room and hung out until Katie drove us to 'Rex's' for dinner, where Em and I shared a delicious vegetarian burger and some Oyster Bay Sav (about half the price here may I say... swines!!!)

Then to Bella's where we danced up a storm and here I am now, on Sunday, about to go to Yoga, learning more Shakespeare lines. Too-rah. x